I walked out of that office devastated. In shock. Heartbroken.
Yet, God was so near! I remember standing for a moment at my car and prayed, "Father, I'm so sad, but I trust You!" His grace had prepared my heart to hold fast even in the midst of much pain and loss! He taught me a whole new level of trust as I grieved this loss. I was comforted mostly by reflecting and meditating on God's character in Scripture.
Verses like Isaiah 46:9-10, "Remember the former things of old; for I am God, and there is no other, I am God, and there is none like me, declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, "My counsel shall stand and I will accomplish all my purposes."
And because He does according to His will, "none can stay his hand or say to him, What have you done?" (Daniel 4:35)
In the midst of grief, God's nearness was my comfort!
And slowly but surely I found this to be true…..
"He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3)
The Lord also grew me in having a thankful heart during this time as I saw what blessings surrounded me. He was teaching me to count my blessings and see His grace in my midst! I saw my 3 children in a new way, what a miracle!
And my mom….oh, my mom…..I called her from the doctor's office with my devastating news and she said, "Oh honey, I'm on the way!!!!" And she showed up before dinner that night from Virginia and helped, served, comforted, and loved this broken family! I gave her this Willow Tree figurine after her visit and it says everything of how I felt her care for my family and I during such a sad time.
It's called chrysalis and it's exactly what she did for us. She created a cocoon for our family, mostly me, so that I could move forward with much more freedom, healing, and grace. I'll never forget her sacrificial love that week!
The aftermath of the miscarriage was really challenging. The nights were hard and sleep was a challenge. I had a long season of battling insomnia. And in the midst of it the Lord was showing me the comfort of His peace even though it was a long night season.
Then, by God's grace, we got pregnant again with our Spencer and had new things to process post miscarriage. Here is what I wrote on August 9, 2010:
Loss of Innocence
I was reading in my pregnancy book the other day about coping with pregnancy loss and came to this paragraph....."A miscarriage often means never again taking for granted that a pregnancy
will lead to a baby. Recognize also that your next pregnancy will be less
innocent. On the one hand, you'll try not to think about the baby too much
for fear that you might miscarry again. On the other hand, you'll be extra
attuned to every pregnancy symptom - twinges, aches, tender breasts - as a sign
that the baby is still thriving."
I have certainly felt that this pregnancy has been "less innocent" and that has been something for me to grieve. I have had the extreme thoughts....not thinking about the baby and not wanting to go to the doctor at all...and then swinging to the other extreme of being consumed with whether or not I "feel pregnant" and wanting to hear the heartbeat all the time...etc. I am fighting, by the grace of God, to not live in either extreme but to walk by faith and wait on Him and to trust His good and perfect plan for the life of this baby. It's a fight though, and that is what can become wearisome and sad. I've not had to "fight" like this during a pregnancy before. Losing a baby changes you. It's very true that "a miscarriage often means never again taking for granted that a pregnancy will lead to a baby." So I don't hope in a baby, I hope in the Lord who is in control and is good!
The emotions on the due date were hard. On "labor day" September 5, 2010 I wrote this:These verses I am praying....
"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Romans 15:13
"Labor" Day
Today is the day our baby was due to be born that we lost in March. I would much rather be in the hospital in labor today.
Today is another day in grieving the loss of that baby that we never got to hold in our arms. It's amazing how I still love that baby so much and yet never knew him/her (I think it was a girl).
There are emotions today that are hard to explain.
I do believe that God's plans prevail and that they are always for my good and His glory as He is conforming me more and more to the image of His Son. But today I'm reminded of how His plans can hurt and come with much pain.
In many ways I'm eager for this day, September 6, 2010, to be behind me and to trust God to continue to heal the pain of losing that baby. I know I'll never forget this baby and this season but I trust that joy will come in the morning.
And what a blessing on this day to sit here and as I write feeling the sweet movements of that baby's little brother. Thank you Jesus!
And even though Spencer's pregnancy was not a walk in the park (another story) God brought that sweet boy to our family on February 8, 2011 and we are so very thankful! We would not have him if there wasn't this loss before him.
I will forever grieve the loss of that little one on March 26, 2010 but God heals, redeems, and has proven time and time again that He is faithful!
Tis So Sweet To Trust in Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him, how I've proved Him o'er and o'er, Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus, O for grace to trust Him more!"
